Sunday, 1 May 2011

Letters by Greenberg: Ed Miliband is to marry his baby mother in a glorified travelodge?

Letters by Greenberg was born out of the Noah Baumbach film starring Ben Stiller and Rhys Ifans in which its namesake writes beautifully insulting diatribes to corporations. I write to anyone I think needs to check themselves that week. We've all wanted to tell Britney to stop wearing bad weave to get attention cos we all know she's got enough bank and medication to know a decent hairdresser when she sees one. We've all wanted to tell Alicia Keys to stop being such a smug married with Swiss shady Beats. We've all wanted to rant at another self important journalist who thinks he/she can define a genre/event/human being in the space of 20 words (ahem). 

Fuck Thankful Thursdays. That was to be the new section of this blog...Thankful Thursdays... saw it on some do gooding blog that clearly isn't mine...thought it was cute at the time...then I changed my mind!

Well, I lost a boyfriend, gained a new one, lost a few lbs, gained a few more, got bored of my thesis and then reinvigorated it with some multimedia and I decided that I just don't need no "Thankful Thursdays" in my life. I'm not saying that everything is the bees knees...well actually I might be but only in my inside my head voice and not in my sharing out-loud I'm-having-an-interview-with-Oprah-in-my-Hamptons-mansion voice because that would sound like I had been lobotomised (assuming very wrongly that a lobotomised person can write a blog that wouldn't mainly consist of a hand left resting idly on one key for an hour)

I don't need Thankful Thursdays because Thankful Thursdays are for people who need to find things to be thankful for. Don't happy people have better things to blog about? Like why Ed Miliband is marrying his long suffering (yea, I've never met her but she looks a little dry round the edges like Ed has her at the stove all day attempting yiddish goodness and coming up a little short) lady-companion-partner-person or whatever new fendangled name he calls his non wife at social events, at a two rosette hotel. And furthermore why is he spending 3000 quid when the average wedding costs about £20,000. (Not that I mind a bit of frugality, in fact I love me some haggling/bargaining/emotional blackmailing, but I get the sense this was not a matter of tasteful immaterialism but rather severe cheapness) I'm not completely ignorant and nor are you, so we can both figure out that Ed wants to allude to proletariat solidarity in austere times and grow ever more appealing to the general public on whom he relies upon for the resurrection of his party. Well a £3000 wedding ain't gona resurrect that dead donkey is it? So why be so mealy mouthed about a wedding that you can clearly afford to spend a substantial amount more on? To a woman who has pushed out your 2 and only children in the space of a 6 year union. Doesn't she deserve a 3 rosette wedding? Doesn't she deserve a little glass smashing and fanfare and a goddamn blow dry/hair transplant or something? your own brother probably doesn't want to return the favour and be your best man like you were his, ya know...back in the day...before you stabbed him in the back and tried to get the same job as him. And neither you nor your bride seem to be the stuff that would inspire Kate and Wills like intrigue over the dress maker or the bridesmaids, but for the love of everything to do with two people making a load of really difficult promises in front of the big guy upstairs and all your crossword buddies! Can you please just give us (and each other) just a little more public display of excitement (or PDS: Public Displays of Schmaltz). We know you're doing this for convenience! So nobody asks awkward questions about you living in sin or whatever and being so un-politican like. We know people probably regard you as suspicious for not being married and for not having any naughty toilet encounters/tax funded affairs outed as of yet but a wedding that is not worth a hat and a dress from Coast is no damn wedding at all. Perhaps an elopement would have appeared more romantic? A quick getaway to the Alps maybe? Somewhere with a whiff of money that only involved the two of you comparing comb overs? Or maybe the kids could have come along too so it becomes tantamount to a pricey Obama-esque family get together that both warms our hearts and simultaneously disgusts us. I don't know Ed do I?! I just know that this will not do! and that politicians are getting weddings all wrong this year.

Case in point Samantha Cameron's Royal wedding attire. Samantha...the people of Britain don't need our politicians to turn up to fabulous Royal weddings that are meant to improve touristic interest in our great and sometimes kind of grey nation wearing 70% off John Lewis costume jewellery on, because that is our reality! Even for those of us living on credit cards we can't pay off. Without your decadence we have nothing to aspire to, envy, bitch about or wonder about the cost of in the hairdressers. If you don't pull out some crown jewels to rival the Queen's that may or may not have required a bodyguard and had to be returned the same day to a safe we feel cheated. We could have been doing our taxes or writing a paltry monthly budget for ourselves the day we watched love's young morale booster get hitched with our nearest and dearest over a plate of suasage rolls. So why should I have wasted a perfectly good bank holiday to see the lofty likes of Samantha Cameron: She of Smythson and Fashion Council associations, the wife of our Prime Minister, 100% discount holder at Oka (the furniture one top shop for the upper classes) because her mama runs that shit, wearing something I can get my grubby mitts on if I save up for a few months! It's ludicrous I tell you! She was wearing clips in her hair I would never allow to so much as brush against me because I would have read the suitable for 10 years and under label on the back of the packet from whence she drew them from and immediately put them back in the christmas cracker and went to my jewellery box instead. For future reference readers: Hair clips cannot replace a hat at a posh wedding and so Samantha and Ed have committed the ultimate political faux pas: in trying to mimic the people you have in fact insulted us; our intelligence and most importantly our taste. We would wear nicer hats if we could get our hands on them or we had the time to make them like that porn craft obsessed woman off Location, Location, Location blatantly would. We would throw all our hair clips in with the recycling for a tiara and we would wear Alexander McQueen at our own wedding in a heartbeat if it was on offer and money was no object. So to choose a Debenhams dress in order to trick us into believing you're just one of us, suffering alongside us, when you're mostly putting our livelihoods and quality of life in peril while you pontificate and self aggrandise and experiment with our lives and build political-socio-posh interior design legacies, is just irritating! We would rather you be honest for once and just put on the damn hat or wear a nice dress that we can't afford this month or maybe ever and go and do your job where it counts and not on the pages of The Daily Mail.

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