Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Break Up Advice - Letters of Closure Madame Noire

Last week, we were awarded the distinct (read: farty, stinky, stupid) pleasure of discovering that one in five people in relationships are in love with someone else. We were disgusted, appalled, defiant, and teary-eyed over this news at the Madame Noire offices. We asked ourselves: how could a man look a woman in the face and pretend to love her when he’s really still pining over someone else? How could a woman look her man in the face and be secretly in love with Makulaka from the fourth grade?

“Just get over your ex!” we yelled. “Move on, you shameful people,” we judged…and judged the filthy people, until suddenly, we turned the plaid-embroidered Gucci mirror on ourselves and asked if we were still in love with someone from our pasts. Maybe we were. Maybe we weren’t. Either way, we decided to champion a “move on” movement. And now, the Madame Noire MOVE ON movement has been born! It’s time to MOVE ON from love lost (especially if the love was never good for you anyway)!

In the ‘Comments’ section, write two sentences of closure to any love you’ve lost.


Dear C.R.

I ended our relationship because you were broke as hell & your comedy job sucked. Now, I’m letting go of the past, because we’ve grown up, and you’ve blown up & I guess now the joke’s on me.

Love, June


Read some more MOVE ON letters ->>

Pages: 1 2 3

oooh chile' what started off as amusing descends into a window into the souls of many a heartbroken lady who is more than happy to gloat about her new man and new figure but just may be crying a little on the inside.

Monday, 16 August 2010

I Am Love trailer

Can't get over how beautiful this film looks. Tilda is a force of nature as per usual according to critics who urge me to see it 'any way possible' and yet I have not found a way! Apparently it's been released on DVD on September 6th but who can wait that long! Maybe you can but this film looks so good the trailer is practically begging me to find it online...which i might do right now (she says hoping the dvd feds aren't watching but not really caring cos it's really past that stage)

I'm Still Here: Joaquin Phoenix and Casey-like-to-molest-his-staff-on-the-couch Affleck rap documentary out soon

Not sure I'm ready to watch Joaquin fat and hairy and outta control. Still can't work out if this is satirical and clever or clever and an actual documentation of Joaquin's Brando-esque descent into fame apathy, a career prolapse of sorts where the wilderness is sought as salvation. For Joaquin perhaps that wilderness is Harlem, for Brando it was Tahiti. Am a little surprised by how professional this is all looking now it's been picked up by Magnolia Pictures my interest has been suitably piqued by a sage sounding narrator that promises a colossal fall from the so called mountain of success where one man discovers he doesn't belong and decides to go on a Brooklyn?! Who knows, maybe Joaquin's life experiment/big rouse will prove to be enlightening. I sure hope so...cos that's a lot of beard and a lot of lawsuits and a lot of possible ridicule to come and I think he is one of the best of his generation.

Letters by Greenberg: Julia Roberts Struggled With Pasta Shoot On Eat Pray Love

Letters by Greenberg was born out of the Noah Baumbach film starring Ben Stiller and Rhys Ifans in which its namesake writes beautifully insulting diatribes to corporations. I write to anyone I think needs to check themselves that week. We've all wanted to tell Britney to stop wearing bad weave to get attention cos we all know she's got enough bank and medication to know a decent hairdresser when she sees one. We've all wanted to tell Alicia Keys to stop being such a smug married with Swiss shady Beats. We've all wanted to rant at another self important journalist who thinks he/she can define a genre/event/human being in the space of 20 words (ahem). 

Dear Julia,

                 I love "Mystic Pizza", you were curvy and you had Botticelli curls that would make Andy McDowell consider relocating and a career in dentistry, I loved you in "Sleeping with the Enemy" and "Steel Magnolias". Hell, I even loved you in "Mona Lisa Smile", an obvious let-'s make some big money out of Julia vehicle not even befitting of your charm. However, what I do not like and cannot abide is your phony closed mouth smile in the Lancome ads where you pretend to be a serious actress. Nor can I stand the fact you seem to think being a serious actress entails becoming progressively unlike the sexy girl of yesteryear as seen in "Pretty Woman" and hate to say it again "Mystic Pizza", and now I hear you cried like a bitch over having to eat a whole bowl of the heat...what happened to you?! You used to be ballsy, your smile was never the nauseating sunshine that was Meg Ryan, you were the girl we could imagine telling the Ivy League to fuck off and stop telling women how to live their lives, you were the girl who made thigh highs look like something that made sense somehow, you were the small town girl with a mean left hook and a big heart, you were the woman who threatened to topple our feminine orbits with that knowing look you tried not to give Jude Law in "Closer"  (but you stole him from Natalie Portman anyway didn't ya? Cos you just couldn't help yourself!) Post babies and a camera man coup later and the hair gets straighter and lighter and dryer giving the effect of a wilted bit of bark and your career too is now a little wilted in my eyes. It, like your hair, lacks the easy sparkle that used to emanate from those smiling eyes. And now here we are many years after I watched you serving up pizza and imagining you might be the kinda woman who knew how to eat it and it just seems like you've lost your appetite. Who cries over too much spaghetti?! In the country of its origins?! Real, down home Italian cooking = heaven. No question, no arguments, no disputes that is just a immemorial truth, like Javier Bardem being one of the hottest men to ever grace the screen...indisputable. I thereby pronounce the old Julia: sexy, hearty, finger licking good Julia deceased and in her place shall live a fembot who cries when confronted with the glorious langor that is a day of eating well made carbs.

 Yours Sincerely,


Jon Snow and a trail of Precious women

Victor Olliver: Review: Precious: A True Story. Pure as the driven...: "Up to three years ago I'd never heard of the journalist Precious Williams. Then one fine 2007 day, a Sunday newspaper was full of her claim..."

More lucid commentary from the brilliant Madame Arcati who now has a site about books and publishing gossip.

Go and have a read: Victor Olliver

The Prep School Negro

A documentary by Andre Robert Lee, a former private school kid himself, that treats an under-represented subject in film and literature for that matter: those juggling two apparently separate worlds and defying what, in some people's eyes, is an oxymoron in putting prep school and negro next to each other. Raises some interesting questions over how to gain an experience in another climate without losing what is inherited socially and culturally and if that is a concern that should even matter as much as it does for these children.
Also features Dame Dash saying one of the realest/most interesting things that has ever come out of his mouth.
See: The Prep School Negro for more info on screenings. No word yet on any UK screenings but I'm sure some industrious and well connected person will make that happen if enough people are interested.

Gainsbourg teaser


love Lennon love your Nikes.

Oh the delicious irony.



Sunday, 15 August 2010

New York New York

Places I intend to pretend I'm a highly paid journalist/authoress in next week in NYC:

Talay Thai Latin

The Rose Bar and Jade Bar @The Gramercy

Lobster roll @ luke's Lobster

Scott Pilgrim Vs the World

I need this film in my life. Romance requires superhuman strength. Kick Ass for smarty pants.

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