(.....well we both know your story don't we...and you know i know it now don't you...and maybe just maybe you respect me a little for gazing at you lovingly anyway...for wanting to hear your opinion in spite of your part to play in the almighty mess of our origins)
Anyway, all of this doesn't matter, you can know that is what did indeed happen, but it doesn't really matter, it only maters that he came. He didnt call in sick, he didnt plead inconvenience, he didn't put me off another day so he could spend his time with his new family or his girlfriends. He came and when he left I realised that when he is physically in my world no one can hurt me. Certainly no man. No boyfriend. No inattentive or insensitive lover. Because with or without what seemed like sparkling repartee but was more likely just one of those far and few opportunities to see our mental likeness, he makes me feel special and protected. Even if it is only for an instant, I am loved as something other than a body, a face, a point of contact, a source and I am passively and happily relieved of all female add ons. I am enfolded into the stony enclave of his confidence as his eldest, his first, his only. It wont last forever, he will still be the man who judges how much he will give on how good I look, he will still be the man who will demand a return on his investment, he will still have forgotten birthdays, Christmases, years, I will still not have told me his address and tomorrow I'll probably glide into an obstacle and be that make shift adult stumbling around once again trying to work out how to be better at it...but maybe if it happens enough I won't have to reinforce the forgetting and re-forgetting that I am his child every time his figure diminishes out of sight from some car park. I am accustomed to forgetting him and it holds me together very well against disappointment but I'm not sure if everything after the colossus is out of reach holds up so well.