Saturday, 22 August 2009

Colossus and Tea

Sometimes you just need your father to come visit, to give him the wrong type of tea and summon the courage to admit your milk has gone bad when he ventures to the fridge for a bit of caffeine relief. What I'm trying to say is sometimes for me, someone who didnt have him much, it is all I need to happen. In fact I'd go as far as to say it is mostly all I have ever needed to happen. It doesnt matter that we had shared a rare occurrence today, a nice time for two highly argumentative types discussing the state of the world such as the 'failing' of Nigeria as a state. We laughed and impressed each other. It doesn't matter that we stuck to subjects that I know allow him to shine or that in those moments I catch the glimmer offset by his tumble of bright, hard words, all words I am mostly able to take as truthful or at least as an ironic in joke between us

(.....well we both know your story don't we...and you know i know it now don't you...and maybe just maybe you respect me a little for gazing at you lovingly anyway...for wanting to hear your opinion in spite of your part to play in the almighty mess of our origins)

Anyway, all of this doesn't matter, you can know that is what did indeed happen, but it doesn't really matter, it only maters that he came. He didnt call in sick, he didnt plead inconvenience, he didn't put me off another day so he could spend his time with his new family or his girlfriends. He came and when he left I realised that when he is physically in my world no one can hurt me. Certainly no man. No boyfriend. No inattentive or insensitive lover. Because with or without what seemed like sparkling repartee but was more likely just one of those far and few opportunities to see our mental likeness, he makes me feel special and protected. Even if it is only for an instant, I am loved as something other than a body, a face, a point of contact, a source and I am passively and happily relieved of all female add ons. I am enfolded into the stony enclave of his confidence as his eldest, his first, his only. It wont last forever, he will still be the man who judges how much he will give on how good I look, he will still be the man who will demand a return on his investment, he will still have forgotten birthdays, Christmases, years, I will still not have told me his address and tomorrow I'll probably glide into an obstacle and be that make shift adult stumbling around once again trying to work out how to be better at it...but maybe if it happens enough I won't have to reinforce the forgetting and re-forgetting that I am his child every time his figure diminishes out of sight from some car park. I am accustomed to forgetting him and it holds me together very well against disappointment but I'm not sure if everything after the colossus is out of reach holds up so well.

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